Life has felt heavy recently. I have recently been hit with a stark realization that raising children is a big responsibility.

Not that I have taken it lightly the past 11 years, but something has changed, yes our oldest is now in Jr. High, yes financially we have been living on God’s grace, yes I did turn 40. But I think it’s deeper than all that.

Something inside has made me view the tasks of being a husband, father, brother, son as some heavy things to embrace and spend time thinking about.

Now, I must say that I’m not losing sleep or started some vice to ignore these things. It strangely feels natural, like somehow these “tasks” are supposed to be heavy. That they are too important to shrug off. That they should take effort and energy and prayer and community to do.

I do need to admit that I am much more emotional than I am perceived. I can be very matter of fact and shrug things off to keep moving forward. I blame my strength of Adaptability for this.

I think a few things recently have helped me realize that life is heavy.

Earlier this month my grandmother passed away. That wasn’t the heavy part….Standing in the ER with my mom, the doctor, and a nurse I listened as the doctor gave the options and his opinion. I watched my mom’s face as she listened. This time wasn’t a surprise to us, my grandmother had been deteriorating over the last 5 years, but the stark reality of death was finally here. My mom asked the doctor what he would do if this was his mom and he gave his opinion, the same one we knew had to be chosen…let nature take it’s course and ease her pain. At that moment as my mom agreed she began to sob and the weight of being a son hit me. I gave my mom a hug that had never had such meaning as this one.
To see her make a choice such as this, was one of the heaviest things I have experienced. It’s a moment in my life I will never forget.

This month my son started Jr. High. A new school with creative teaching and an amazing opportunity for him to be in an environment that fit his learning style. This transition has been one that we thought would give him some great new opportunities, which it has. But it also has brought some challenges. How do I balance directing and advising? It’s been an interesting tightrope to walk as we discuss how I have dealt with when others take my ideas and it feels as if you are invisible. Or, hearing that he just takes any empty seat during lunch because he hasn’t connected with anyone yet to hang out with.
Conversations just became so much heavier than a simple question about homework. The weight of raising my son has become exponentially heavier over the last few weeks.

Now, this heavy feeling isn’t like one I have ever felt. It’s not a…weight on my shoulders, this is my burden to carry, I am worried heavy.

It’s a…my insides are heavy, my heart feels more, it beats more purposeful, deeper. It makes me breathe deep and feel it heavy.

And within all of this.

It’s peaceful.

Calm.

Heavy.